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But that’s not what this is about. It’s not really about anything. I’m just going to get it all out on the table.

Punctuation and general grammar are getting on my nerves.

Iced tea is only refreshing when on ice.

And the quote of the year, “If you ask me about sea shells one more time, I’m going to kick your fucking ass!” You can hate Williamsburg, but only there do you get jewels like that.

I’m sitting in the dark, on a Saturday night [I do have a lively social life, I swear], at my desk, typing, sweating, and drinking warm “iced” tea. It’s my own fault. I should have put it on ice when I got home, but I didn’t care enough. I don’t think one of my cats has moved all day. I feel bad for him in the heat. BBQ-ed today, that probably should have been rethought because of the heat, but we did it anyway. You can’t reschedule a BBQ. So beer all day, and maybe a little left over from last night, and a day in the heat are responsible for this mood. Love it or hate it, it is what it is.

I hate the question, “how is the wedding planning going?” Do you really want to know, do you? In the first couple weeks of our engagement everyone wanted to know if we had a) set a date, b) decided where to have it and c)bought my dress. Yes, I took the time to buy my wedding dress before I called you Grandma, that was my number one priority. Not to mention, our wedding is over a year away. You’ve got to be kidding me. We’ve been engaged for three months, and no I have not decided on a color scheme.

Wedding planning is not for me, mostly because people assume that you’re sappy and sentimental, when really, what the fuck do they know about it. Chocolate fountain hadn’t ever come up as a ‘must have’ when Brian and I discussed our “dream wedding”. I wasn’t that girl that thought dreamed about her wedding, and honestly until he proposed, I kind of assumed I wasn’t that kind of girl. But what do I know. I have massive tattoos on my arms and back, does that really scream princess wedding to you? I’m just not a traditional kind of girl. I’m way to cynical for wedding planning. I shouldn’t be so negative about it… I’m crazy in love with him, he’s crazy in love with me, we both have been for a long time, lets get drunk and dance. Thats how I feel about it in a nutshell.

So we’re going to KC for Thanksgiving. It’s been two years since I’ve been. This Myspace thing (and Facebook, etc) has gotten me in touch with a lot of people from KC, and don’t take this the wrong way. I’m looking forward to seeing you all, but going to KC makes my stomach turn a little. I don’t know what it is, but this nervousness comes over me. I never really felt like myself there, I was always trying to please other people, for whatever reason. And yeah, I left KC young and never really looked back. I left well before I ever felt comfortable in my own skin, so I never really gave Kansas City a fighting chance. Most of the people that knew me in KC, never really knew me, they knew what I wanted them to see, which is true for everyone, I think. And I think only recently I’ve been able to be honest with myself about those adolescent years. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never been comfortable there. But we’re all grown ups now, right? Me and Kansas City have no harsh feelings, right? I guess I’m ready to give it another visit.

Obama vs McCain it is. Clinton is back to being my senator, which pleases me to no end. Her campaign was getting on my nerves (and she offended my feminist sensibilities), and now she can get back to doing her job. I like her plenty, but mostly when she’s not on the soap box. There’s something that happens when they get on that soap box. Recently Obama voted in favor of the FISA ammendments. It felt a little like he was making the first contact between an icepick and hammer against the ice block that was his integrity. Maybe that happened a long time ago, and this was just the first good piece to break off. I hate the show, because that’s what it is. Lets all measure our dicks and see who’s willing to make a bigger ass of the American people. Why is the truth so hard for people? Everyone asks me if New Yorkers are as rude as people say, and no they’re not, they’re just honest. If you’re going to be an asshole, at least be up front about it, so I don’t have to waste time thinking you’re something that you’re not. Not that Obama’s an asshole, but I’ve noticed that his asshole qualities have increased dramatically since the national campaign began.

I went to Greece for the first time in my life a couple months ago. It was like going home. I’m happy that Brian was there to share the experience with me. I wish my mom and brother could’ve been there, but what can you do. I’ve always wanted to know more about that part of me. And there are so many things that make sense to me now, about my family, my mom, myself even. There’s something about going to a place where everyone looks like you, and you know that your ancestors feet touched the same ground, saw the same sea, I could go on forever. It was so amazing, and even though I had never been there before, it was all somewhat familiar. What I imagined it to look like when I was a child was real, a real place a real beach with the Mediterranean Sea, and the olive trees, and the people, and the ancient buildings. You feel the age and history in the air. Maybe its just because I’m Greek, but it was magical like a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel.

There’s something about Greek women that I find absolutely intriguing. They have this calm femininity that can’t be matched. I say ‘they’ because while I am Greek, I’m a Greek American, and I think these characteristics are something that’s specific to the native breed. Their beauty is striking, but even more striking is that they’re women through and through. They carry themselves in such a way that exhibits such strength and tenderness. And its not that they’re hot, because they are, but they don’t walk around like they’re hot shit, just that they get it. Whatever it is, they get it and they have it. They have this way of making you feel grateful for every interaction you get to share with them and be thankful for being in the presence, and not because they’re arrogant, but because it’s so intimate and kind and they’re filled with such warmth. I’m not sure why, but I’ve never been prouder to be a woman or to be Greek, as when I saw Greek women walking around Athens, on the Metro, or on the beach. I want my daughters to feel that one day, and know thats where they come from, and its part of them.

I’m about to start working on a scrap book from our trip to Greece, and I literally can’t wait to relive those memories in my mind, and get them all down on paper. And I really can’t wait to share them with my mom.

Well, I’ve embarrassed myself enough for one night. Now I’m going to resort to my usual listening to music, smoking, and drinking, till your next installment of the crazy that goes on in this head of mine.

Date
4/26/2008

008/06
May subd geog OR no decision

053
$aRC552
$aRJ506

150
$aCutting (Self-Mutilation)

450
$aCutting

450
$aSelf-injury

450
$aTorture of self

550
$aSelf-mutilation

550
$aSelf-torture

670 (Sources)
$aCutting, viewed April 26, 2008:$uhttp://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html

670 (Sources)
$aSelf-injury/cutting, viewed April 26, 2008:$uhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775

670 (Sources)

$aCutting & Self-Harm: Warning Signs and Treatment, viewed April 26, 2008:$uhttp://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment

680 (Scope note)

$aCutting (Self-mutilation)

$iHere are entered works on behaviors by which individuals, usually adolescents, cut themselves as a means of self-injury, but not a suicide attempt.

952 (LC Records that should be changed)

99019764 (Cutting the pain away : understanding self-mutilation / Ann Holmes. 2000)

2007028156 (Self-mutilation / Mary E. Williams, book editor. 2008)

2008270246 (Cutting : understanding and overcoming self-mutilation / Steven Levenkron. 2006)

2006038640 (Bleeding to ease the pain : cutting, self-injury, and the adolescent search for self / Lori G. Plante ; foreword by Chris Hayward. 2007)

2005008381 (Addictions and risky behaviors : cutting, bingeing, snorting, and other dangers / Renee C. Rebman. 2006)

Additional comments:
550 $aSelf-destructive behavior
550 $aMalingering
550 $aMutilation
550 $aSelf-torture

Please also see 680 scope note for self-mutilation.

[$aSelf-mutilation
$iHere are entered works on behaviors by which individuals intentionally cause damage to their bodies. Works on stereotyped behaviors by which individuals unintentionally cause damage to their bodies are entered under Self-injurious behavior. Works on nonstereotyped behaviors and cognitions by which individuals directly or indirectly cause harm to themselves are entered under Self-destructive behavior.]

Sorry, I had to rant and rave to someone. This country disgusted me today. Just when I think things are looking up, they drop a bomb on me.

I am particularly excited to get out into the job market and get moving into this career that I love so very much. I’ve been home for about a month, not including the holidays visit out West, and I’m happy to say that after a brief bout with illness, I’m ready to communicate in any way possible with anyone besides my cats. So here it is…this is the state of things.

I’m not sure what it was about the book that did it. Initially I was surprised to learn that Joseph Conrad could write so well in English when it wasn’t his first or second language, and even more surprised to learn that all of his novels were originally written in English. There are so many other languages that I feel have more eloquence than English, but that is neither here nor there. There was something about this narrative that was surprising. I could imagine myself on this ship listening intently. I’ve never thought this much about a book in recent years, let alone one less than 100 pages long. The language was somewhat difficult, but that’s the case with most written in that time. But that wasn’t it…

He is able to discuss these ideas of love, and not necessarily love of a person. It was certainly possible to conceive of the love that Conrad described as love of Kurtz, but it wasn’t, or at least I don’t think so. It was love of an idea, love of an idea that was more than men, but only achieved through men. Now that I’m writing this, I compare it to my own love of the idea of freedom. It’s romantic and idealistic, and very very naive, but I think it is the grandest idea that man has ever realized. Kurtz realized this idea of freedom in a place where there was none, and that’s romantic. This idea had to be protected, so much so that very few could be trusted with it.

In the end of the book, Marlowe goes and sees Kurtz’s intended wife. And I wonder if he would have found her as beautiful if she didn’t also believe in this idea, and love it. For her though, I think, the idea wasn’t nearly as important as the form it took in Kurtz, because he was this idea personified.

Maybe it is easy to go beyond an idea and into darkness, I suppose that’s why so many geniuses are so close to insanity and very frequently cross that line in times of uncertainty. But it’s the belief that resonates in me, and what I found to be so compelling, first you hear about it in a whisper and a rumor, and when you actually meet it it has the power to take you into a world you’ve never known.